NERO'S FIDDLE SURE SOUNDS SWEET! ONCE AGAIN, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. "SOCK IT TO ME?!" Eleven-thousand, four-hundred and thirty-one days ago, America looked on with bemusement as a self-admittedly unhip, secrecy-obsessed Republican President - an apocalyptic-minded paranoid on the verge of being buried beneath an avalanche of scandal - held court with a once-important, then-irrelevant musical icon who kept himself in Cadillacs by milking audience nostalgia for his glory days, becoming a rhinestone-spangled parody of other people's memories in the process. Now comes word that our very own Preznit Dubya is such a huge fan of MTV's biggest-ever hit, The Osbournes, that he's extended Ozzy and company an official invite, saying they can swing by the White House any time they'd like. Cuz, you know, now that Uncle Dick's got everyting in the Middle East going pretty much exactly as planned, he's got a shitload of free time on his hands. Folks, yer old pal Jerky has nothing but a deep abiding love for Ozzy, and the same goes for Elvis, regardless of last week's stamp joke. But if this meeting of the minds ever takes place, the resulting synchronicity vortex will make that Lincoln/Kennedy assassination coincidence list seem about as impressive as the fact that you and your ex-girlfriend's telephone numbers used to share five out of seven digits. *** *** *** Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones - whatta title! - is still a month and a half away from release, but that hasn't stopped some of the franchise's more obsessive fans - many of whom disturbingly resemble George Lucas, himself - from lining up to be the first to get tickets, outside the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. "We never run out of things to do," line-sitting loon Rik Carter told the press. The Star Wars line-up veteran was referring, perhaps, to the feisty game of "Star Wars Men" that had broken amongst the rabble on the sidewalk. Meanwhile, at another theater three blocks away, yet another line is forming. This one, for 2005's Star Wars, Episode III: Menace of the Phantom Clones, is made up of an altogether different breed of fan. There's more than enough nightmare fuel in today's headlines to satisfy a bounty for even the most gluttonous of night terror gourmands (you know who you are). But if you're the kind of person whose tastes tend towards the carnivalesque - or who likes to test the limits of your sanity - then I've got two words for you: Mummified Clown. Give it up for Laren Sims, the husband-killer from California who, while being held in a Florida jail, committed suicide on behalf of her kids last week. What's that, Pat O'Brien? Did you ask: "How'd she do that?" Well, sir, she did it by hanging herself, but not before leaving a letter to her lawyer, instructing him to sue the jail for failing to prevent her from hanging herself! "This is all I can give to my children," a despondent Sims wrote on a sandwich paper. "My actions now will allow them to move into the future without this heavy burden. They won't have to watch my trial on Court TV. It should all die with me." Wow! What a sentiment! There is, however, one glaring afterthought: If only she'd waited a month, she could have forever scarred her children much closer to Mother's Day!

ON THIS DAY April 8 On this day in 1986, after realizing they'd fucked up big-time by killing off their most likable character - Bobby Ewing as played by Patrick Duffy - the producers of Dallas announce that the entire 1985/86 season was actually a dream being dreamt by Victoria Principle's Pam character. The next season opened with Patrick Duffy in the shower. The show's many fans were not amused. Those of us who thought the show's many fans were a bunch of knobs, however, were very much amused by their great distress and disillusionment (as expressed in the "Letters to the Editor" section of the National Enquirer). Also on this day, in 1991, former teenage werewolf Michael Landon publicly announces he's been diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. And so began the large-hair'd telestar's journey along the Highway to Heaven, during which time he would be Touched by an Angel - of death! - who would point the way towards that big Little House on the Prairie in the sky. Also, I'm not sure, but I think the angel's name was Bonanza.

QUOTES! "If a crazy man runs up to you on the street and says that a house is on fire with children trapped inside, and you smell smoke, who is the crazy one if you decide not to investigate?" - Ex-cop and thorn in the side of the C.I.A., Mike Ruppert, screaming from the wilderness. *** *** *** "Let's all repeat it together: the victims, American and Afghan, have been used by this vile, cynical administration to line the pockets of its corporate sponsors. And now our soldiers are dying, not for nothing, but while carrying out orders that are making things even worse. Dying for nothing would be an improvement." - Cartoonist Ted Rall doesn't pull any punches in his latest scathing editorial indictment: Say Anything.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Kukla Franollie... Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Will Rogers... The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night. The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson." "That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?" Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst jokes were sent in by Todd Henry. It is both disgusting and almost impossible to read. A young man is parking with his girlfriend,things start to heat up and the clothes come off,he is breathless and about to enter the girl when she cries out "wait! Do you have a condom?" "No" he sullenly replies,but to his surprise the girl is so hot she says,"You can put it in me but you better not come inside me".The young man thrusts home and after several quick thrusts he lets out a moan and the girl feels a sudden wetness trickling out of her,"you came in me you asshole!"she cries out,thinking quickly he says,"er,uh,No I didn't! My boil just broke!."

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; Since you're a man knowing of all things, I figured I'd ask you this. How does a guy get away from his bullshit life and change his identity (ie name, ss#, driver's lics.) and make a new one?! Signed: Marmaduke While yer old pal Jerky is far too cowardly to dole out such advice in his own little publication, he is nevertheless always eager and pleased to direct some new soul towards the First Amendment Miracle that is the Loompanics Forbidden Books catalogue. Where else but at Loompanics can one find tomes on how to grow pot, take revenge on your enemies, and build a time machine, all under one virtual roof? Not to mention an assortment of interesting and controversial essays to peruse, free of charge. Anyway, Marmaduke, if you're in a hurry for this information - and I suspect you are, for some reason - I'll save you some digging and point out your particular area of interest, right now.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: MALVINAS/FALKLANDS HISTORY LESSON Care of: abarraquero@fibertel.com. Dear Jerky; When I read today´s issue of the Daily Dirt and you being a responsible editor of this bullettin, I thought I had to enlighten you on the true history of the Malvinas Islands because your paragraph sounds a little bit light and offensive: you´ll understand these words when you have read these few lines. Way down South, almost at the Southerner tip of South América and almost at about 380 miles to the East, you find a few islands known as Falklands to the English speaking world, Malvinas to the Spanish speaking people. They belonged to the Spanish Crown until 1810 when a new nation was born thus inheriting everything that integrated the old Virreinato del Río de la Plata including the fucken Malvinas Islands, which had been French and known as Malouines: this new nation was the República Argentina. In 1833, shit happened: a couple of British ships assaulted the civilians living there, put them in a ship and sent them back to the continent, including the Argentine Governor, Mr. Vernet. I can tell you that these Brits didn´t pay for these pieces of land neither signed any leasing contract with the naturals... By then, this young Argentine Republic had already been recognized as such by the government of another not so young nation: the United States of North América. President Eduardo Duhalde (not Edouart) was talking to a few veterans of the 1982 war which was fought with 18 year olds with only basic training, almost non-existing foot-wear, defective arms, bombs that did not explote and obviously, them Brits slapped the shit out of them kids, and they even sent a nuke sub to sink an old second world war cruise ship that was steaming back home, going away from the operations area and therefore uselessly killing more than 250 sailors. Jerky, between you and me, I don´t care two shits about the islands, whether they are British or Argentine. Actually, I hope they are kept forever British, but I do care for those kids that were SENT there to fight against professionals, paid professionals, as the goddamned gurkhas, and were butchered but still managed to take some with them over the side. I´m sure you´ll dedicate a few lines, more respectful ones for both Argies and Brits in your next issue to prove yourself the gentleman I´m sure you are. Sincerely, Alberto C. Barraquero [Flattery will get you nothing... except published in the Daily Dirt. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com